Diary of Albus Dumbledore, wizard and old coot
by Arabella Figgs
Summary: Albus Dumbledore keeps a diary. A diary in which he tells about the events of his life.
1. Chapter 1

Diary of Albus Dumbledore Wizard and old coot 

By: Arabella Figgs

Disclaimer: Belongs to J.K. Rowling and Helen Fielding. Certainly not to me.

It's slightly a/u. There's no Voldemort.

Wednesday January 1st 

number of lemon drops: 21, number of units hot chocolate consumed: 4, number of unanswered letters: 63 (ai)

9.23 Have just returned from breakfast. Think Amanda Hooch and Poppy Pomfrey drank a bit too much champagne last night. Were v. groggily. Severus Snape kept asking about the annual staff meeting next week. And Filius Flitwick was annoyingly cheerful. I must say I find have breakfast without Minerva extremely boring.

10.02 Should do something about all those letters, really. Have no appointments today. Perfect day to work on my correspondence.

10.04 It's snowing again.

10.06 Oh no, just pulled out twelve grey hairs by accident. That can't be good.

10. 21 Right, have read the first six letters. Wish Fudge would leave me alone every now and then.

10.22 Only 57 to go.

10.23 Time for a break. I think I'm going out for a walk. Just a ten-minute walk. No longer. That's possible. Do still have the rest of the day.

16.33 Ended up at Aberforht, my brother. Unbelievable how quick time passes. My brother is one of the most mental people I know.

He's terribly cranky. And has the most insane ideas. Or asks ridiculous questions. Last week, we were playing chess and all of a sudden, out of nothing, he asked: "Albus, did we have a happy childhood?" or "Albus, what exactly have I achieved during my life?" Or "Albus, I want to eat chicken". (he's a vegetarian) Or "Albus, how do you think it would be like to be a woman?"

Apart from that, he's my brother and on of my best friends. Anyway, still have the rest of the evening to do those letters. Am going to freshen up first. Smell after goats.

17.30 Look at that! It's dinnertime. Am feeling rather hungry.

19.00 Just got back from dinner. Even more boring then breakfast. Why did Minerva have to go on holiday for two weeks? And why is everyone else either moody or cheerful? Alastor is coming tomorrow and Minerva will be back at Friday. On Saturday, there's a the annual New Year's buffet at the Ministry. A total torture every year.

Will finish those letters first.

19.12 I need some hot chocolate. Will get some first.

19.23 It's rather cold. Will goo looking for some warmer robes.

19.45 Oh no, there's a tangle in my beard. Need to get it out, before it get's worse.

20.03 Am feeling a bit drowsily. Can't concentrate. Will close my eyes for five minutes. Just five minutes. Still have the rest of the evening.

03.47 Oh no. Just woke with a startle. I'll do those letters later. I can't do them anyway without my Deputy Headmistress.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thursday, January 2nd**

_number of lemon drops consumed: 88, number of units hot chocolate mixed with whiskey consumed: 4, number of unanswered letters: 72_

05.46 Haven't slept all night. It's all Alastor's fault. He was here all afternoon. He has spend a couple of days with his sister and he has met someone there. Her name is Geraldine and she's a good friend of his sister. He will take her to the New Year's Buffet, so I can meet her. Alastor says it isn't official yet and they want to get to know each other better first.

Then it started. Alastor began to ask after my 'love life' and I felt I was talking to Rita Skeeter. That man is so persistent. It's not like I've never been in a relationship.

I told Alastor that I was a busy man. But he laughed at me and said that was an excuse.

I had a girlfriend in my third year at Hogwarts. I can remember that I was very much in love with her. After much pressure from Aberforth's side, I told her.

She agreed to be my girlfriend on the condition that I did her homework. I followed her like a slave for the reminder of the term until I discovered that she was also seeing Tod Bradley. A few days later I stole a heavy tranquilliser from the Hospital Wing and poured it in his drink. And from that moment I've never let anyone use me like that.

While we were walking towards the Great Hall, Alastor asked if I had feelings for someone. I didn't answer him. What could I say? Yes, I have been in love these past thirty-five years with my Deputy Headmistress?

Besides, he knows Minerva too well, so I'm not going to tell him.

Actually, there is no one who knows about it. Aberforth suspects something and he's often teasing me about it or trying to hear me out. But I won't let anything slip. And Amanda Hooch often makes remarks about us.

I hate it when she does that. It makes Minerva uncomfortable. Usually I just ignore them so I won't raise any suspicion.

Eight years after Minerva started teaching at Hogwarts I became Headmaster and she became my deputy. Until that time we were good friends, but after that it changed. Because we worked more closely together I got to know her better and better. It's extraordinary how close we are now. We have the same interests, the same humour and often the same view on things.

After all those years I need her with all the decisions I make. If I want to talk about something, she's always there. And I can trust her, she will never break my confidence. Aberfoth says he knows me through and through, but I think Minerva knows me even better.

She will never think more of me as a friend. And although we would be perfect for each other, there's always the age difference. After thirty-five years I've learned how to hide my feelings for her and there's very little chance she will ever find out.

I can be satisfied with what we have now.

Oh, and the sorting hat has taught Fawkes how to whistle the school song. My hand-written school song… I've rewarded Fawkes with four dead mice. I'm so proud of him.


	3. Chapter 3

Friday, January 3rd 

number of lemon drops consumed: 4 (good), number of unites hot chocolate consumed: 3 (v. good), number of unanswered letters: 0 (Hurrah, thanks to Minerva)

07.08 Minerva's coming back today. Have missed her v. much.

07.10 Would it be very obvious if I organised a 'welcome home'- party for her?

07.12 I guess so. She was only on holiday for two weeks.

07.16 She would like it though.

07.19 I could make it a theme party.

07.22 But an hour and a half to organise a party is a bit short.

07.46 I could pick her up.

07.52 No, **that** would be obvious.

07.57 Do not know what to wear.

08.09 Why won't my beard co-oparate on important days, such as these?

08.11 Cannot find hat anywhere.

08.14 Wonderful, Fawkes has used favourite hat as his toy.

08.15 OH NO, have walked too close to the fireplace.

08.17 That's just great. Robes are burnt.

08.23 Have changed robes, no matching hat.

08.26 Beard's a mess again.

08.27 Comb is gone. Need to hurry for breakfast.

08.31 Am fumingly going through my rooms.

08.36 Found comb under bed.

08.41 Put on shoes, notice that I'm wearing two different socks.

08.50 Done. Almost half an hour late for breakfast.

00.23 Rest of the day was wonderful. Minerva is back again. We had tea, walked around the lake and answered all my letters together. And she had bought me a present. A mug of Asterix and Obelix. Love muggle comics. Love her.

New Year's Buffet tomorrow. Blech.


	4. Chapter 4

Saturday, January 4th 

0.07 Did not have a nice day. Minerva is in love with Alastor. New Year's Buffet was a disaster. Boring, boring, boring.

Sunday, January 5th 

number of lemon drop: 108 (outrages) units hot chocolate consumed: 1 (v. good) units hot chocolate with whiskey: 18 (again, outrageous)

11. 26 Am avoiding Minerva, which is working fine so far. Cannot believe what happened yesterday. We had tea this morning, before the NYB and I told her that Alastor is seeing someone.

I was very startled when Minerva turned pale. She didn't finish her tea, took her things and said that she needed to do something. Leaving a surprised me behind.

She is in love with Alastor, that's the only explanation. Her reaction was so strange. I tell her that Alastor has a girlfriend and Minerva pales. Why did I not see it before? Why? Why? Why?

What has Alastor that I don't have? He's a lot younger then me, that might be it.

Should I tell Alastor that Minerva is in love with him?

I have thought about the consequences:

1. He does not return her feelings and continues his relationship with Geraldine.

2. He returns Minerva's feelings, they get married and live happily ever after.

3. He starts a relationship with Minerva, but continues to have a secret affair with Geraldine. (No, no, no, Alastor would never do that)

4. He doesn't start a relationship with either of them, because he thinks it's too much trouble and stays single for the rest of his life..

5. He can't decide.

6. He wants me to decide for him.

This is a nightmare. I've been in love with my best friend for years, she is in love with another friend of mine, who has just started something with another woman.

The NYB was unbelievable boring. I didn't like Geraldine, thought she was bossy. I heard her whisper to Alastor: "get that hip flacon from your pocket, it makes your hips look enormous".

Alastor deserves the best woman in the world. But not mine. Am going to visit Aberforth.

22.10 Terrible exhausting evening at Aberforth's. He wants to start breeding rabbits. Just for fun. Am worried about him. And don't believe it an old school friend of him stopped by. Her name is Hannah. Remember her vaguely. Appears to be divorced two times. She and Abeforth agreed to keep in touch.

Splendid. The whole world is finding his significant other and I'm left behind, lonely and alone. To be ridiculed and laughed at during holidays by 'Perfect Couples'.


	5. Chapter 5

**Tuesday, January 7th**

_lemon__ drops : 66 (I can't help myself), units hot chocolate: 7, positive thoughts: 0, negative thoughts: 697_

Had an odd dream this night. I was at a party and saw Aberforth and Hannah with their two children and their three pet goats. A little away from them stood Alastor with Geraldine on one arm and Minerva on the other arm. I walked in and they all started laughing at me. And didn't stop. Then Fawkes flew in through the window, followed by a female Phoenix and three chickens.

Am a doomed bachelor.

Have hardly spoken to Minerva since Saturday. During breakfast she only talks to Poppy who has been a little down for the past days.

Friday, January 10th 

(lemon drops: have stopped counting, units hot chocolate: 2, number of times I've drawn a heart around Minerva's name: 264

Alastor came bursting into my office this evening. I was discussing the second year curriculum with Minerva. Thought she looked very quiet and silent. Casually asked her what she though of Geraldine. Her reply was: 'an arrogant bitch on which Alastor shouldn't waste his time".

Why Alastor? Why? Why?

Anyway, fireplace started roaring and Alastor stepped out. "I need to talk to you", he said slightly out of breath. Minerva gathered her things and bid me goodnight. And threw an angry glare at Alastor. Then she left.

"What's with her?" Alastor asked. I shrugged and asked what he wanted to tell me.

"It's about Geraldine", he said, falling down in a chair. He told me that she had showed him engagement cards.

"It was all going too fast", Alastor said. "I liked her, but I've never been in love with her".

Asked him how he knew that and then he told me he had been in love with Poppy Pomfrey, a few years ago.

Was very surprised. "Why have you never told me that?"

"I couldn't have told her", Alastor said. "You know we are good friends. I didn't want to risk that and that's why I've kept my mouth shut. But I really loved her. You know, your stomach doing summersaults whenever you see her.

Know exactly what he means. Feel like that all day long. Could also be because of the lemon drops. No, no, I'm in love.

And then I, with my stupid, stupid big mouth told him that Minerva is in love with him. I think he was even more surprised then I was.

"How do you feel about her?" I asked, nervously breaking a quill.

"I've known her for years", he said. "I can't imagine us as a couple. I think we would finish each other off".

Had to grin at that comment. We've talked for a while longer and Alastor says he's going to have a talk with her.

He's not in love with her, thankfully.

Am a horrible, horrible person. Should have told him how great Minerva is and how much she loves him blah blah, but I couldn't.

Should have though. Minerva would not have her heart broken, and Alastor would become very happy too.

And would be left behind, miserable and alone again. Naturally.


	6. Chapter 6

**Tuesday January 14th **

_Lemon drops: 37, units hot chocolate: 8, number of nervous breakdowns: 1 _

23.14 This is awful. Truly and utterly awful. Minerva is not in love with Alastor. And she is furious with me. As is Alastor.

I have been watching her in the past days to find out if Alastor had already spoken with her. She looked more cheerful then before and I thought it was because Alastor stopped seeing Geraldine.

But this is what happened this evening.

I was working in my office when the doors flew open and Alastor came bursting in with a very red head.

"She isn't in love with me!" He yelled angrily.

"Wha… oh you have…", I started, but he didn't let me finish.

"Really Albus", he said lividly. "I have never made such a fool of myself before. I stood there saying things like 'I understand how frustrating this must be for you', and 'I do not have the feelings that you have for me, we are friends, but that's all we'll ever be'.

"It was horrible. She looked at me as if I was telling her I was about to marry a house elf. And you…!" He waved his wand at me, "I will actually kill you one of these days. What made you think she was in love with me?"

"It's what I thought", I replied.

"Oh, you thought", Alastor sneered. "Couldn't you have kept your mouth shut until you knew for sure?"

There was a loud knock on the door and Alastor muttered. "That'll be Minerva. I'll use your fireplace. Good luck". He threw another angry glance at me and stepped into the flames.

Another loud knock and I hastily called for enter. Minerva marched into my office, looking even more flushed then Alastor.

"What were you thinking Albus Dumbledore", she shrieked. "Alastor came to see. A certain someone had told him that I was madly in love with him. Thank you so much for telling me about it. When did you plan to have my wedding? I couldn't believe what I was hearing. And certainly not when Alastor told me it was your idea".

Quickly I got to my feet. "Minerva…", I started, "let me explain". All the time that I was explaining myself she was furiously glaring at me. When I was done she started to yell again.

"I never was, now or in the past, or ever in love with Alastor. I left in such a hurry that evening because I wanted to talk to Poppy. She is the one who has been in love with Alastor for over twenty years and I thought she could better hear from me about Geraldine then from somebody else. Does she know that you think that I am in love with Alastor?"

"I shook my head. "I'm terribly sorry", I said. "I thought I was doing the right thing. I never meant to hurt your feelings Minerva".

She remained silent for a while and then walked out of my office.

What a mess. Have stopped by her quarters later, but she wasn't there. And Alastor wasn't home either. I have completely blown this.


	7. Chapter 7

**Thursday January 16th**

_Lemon drops: 8, units of hot chocolate: 3, attempts trying to make up with Minerva: 63, succeeded attempts: 0_

Two days. It has been two days and she still isn't talking to me. I did talk to Alastor yesterday and he finds it funny now. But Minerva doesn't. This morning I asked her if she could pass me the eggs and she called me 'Professor Dumbledore'. It can't get any worse.

Oh, I forgot. It can.

This afternoon I saw her in the hall and I called her name, but she ignored me completely.

And after dinner it got worse. I had flowers delivered to her office. After dinner I walked passed her office to see if she had received them. She didn't want to let me in. I got angry and told her that in that case she should give the flowers back. She did. Had four thorns in my face.

I understand that she is angry, but this angry? It must have been very embarrassing. But I just want her to talk to me again. I miss her.

Have at least still Fawks to play chess with. Not always fun since he's a better player then I am and I'm a bad loser.

**Friday January 17th**

_Lemon drops: 26, units hot chocolate: 5_

07.08 Don't want to get out of bed. Want to stay in bed with lemon drops, hot chocolate and comic books.

07.11 Woke up this night to discover that I wasn't in my bed but on one of the toilets. I have been sleepwalking since I was six years old. Once in my fourth year I was found sleeping on one of the tables in the Great Hall. Very humiliating.

But I haven't been sleepwalking ever since I got Headmaster. I'm sure it will pass.

10.34 Cannot concentrate on work. Am going for a walk. This whole situation with Minerva has been nagging on my mind all morning.

14.02 Hooray, Minerva is no longer angry with me.

I was walking down the lane when I heard someone sobbing. There are two benches behind a couple of trees and a first year was crying there. Neville Longbottom.

I sat down next to him and handed him a handkerchief. He jumped up and stuttered, "Professor… I didn't see you".

"Sit down Neville", I said, "and tell me what is wrong".

Neville sat down but didn't say a word.

"What is the matter?" I pressed on. "Did something happen? Is someone angry with you?"

Neville shook his head. "I had…", he started, "it was… Malfoy did…", he didn't get any further.

"Are they bullying you?" I asked and he nodded.

"Why?" I asked.

"I'm an idiot", Neville answered. "I can't get anything right, I'm not a good wizard, there is nothing I can do. Everything I touch falls apart, my marks are bad… they have every reason to pick on me".

"That's nonsense", I said.

"It's true", Neville said.

"Do you know what I was like when I went to Hogwarts?" I asked.

"I'm sure you were very popular", he answered. When I started laughing he looked highly surprised.

"Neville, up until my fifth year I was everything but popular. Do you know what nickname I got in my first year?"

He shrugged.

"Wet pants Dumbledore", I told him. Neville smiled.

"Horrible, isn't it?" I asked. "And it wasn't even me. It was the fountain. But no one believed me".

"But you didn't have bad marks", Neville said.

"No, I didn't", I agreed. "But that only made things worse. They started to pester me about that. But slowly I gained friends who did respect me and who stood up for me if I didn't myself. One of them was your grandfather. And after some time, it didn't bother me anymore, whatever they said to me. Believe me Neville, one day you'll beat them all and then you will be the one laughing at them".

Neville didn't say anything for a long time. "I think you should go back to your class", I said eventually. He nodded and took his bag.

"Thank you Professor", he said and I smiled. He walked back to the castle and I stayed behind on the bench.

When I stood up and turned around Minerva stepped from behind a tree and smiled at me.

Turned out that she had heard everything.

I offered her my arm for a short walked and apologised to her again. This time she accepted them. I asked her if the 'Wet pants Dumbledore' could stay between the two of us. She promised she wouldn't tell anyone else.

After she was done laughing.

During dinner we have talked only to each other and I told her the joke about the troll, the phoenix and the hag who were sitting in a bar. She thought it was very funny.

Am happy. Feel like singing.


End file.
